Just where do we stand on the
issues? The Fun Party offers a platform of far-reaching and exciting
new social positions. Chose an issue from the menu below to learn
more.
The
Importance of the Constitution
As an American Patriot, I love
and cherish our Constitution. So much so that I have edited my home
dictionary to contain only those words found within that wondrous
document and, as President, I would work to see a similar measure
made law, with only the language of the constitution constituting
as true English, and all other, lesser words not found in the constitution
being reclassified as slang or foreign.
Most politicians are one long string of embarrassments.
This is largely because they preach a lifestyle of absurd moral
upstanding, a level of ethical commitment beyond the ability of
your average human. As a result, when they fail to live up to their
own standards, when they get caught sleeping with interns and driving
under the influence, it looks worse than it is. As a presidential
candidate, I am happy to say that all of my sins are out in the
open. I've already done most of this stuff, folks, and I know where
I'm coming from. You won't have to worry about any skeletons from
my past suddenly hitting the airwaves, because it's already all
there up front, making the morning paper. When news leaks of my
private harem, you won't need to react with shock or surprise, because
you'll have known for years. When I run my limo through the white
house gates in a coke induced frenzy, it won't be headline news,
it'll be daily routine.
On the issue of gun control, I've found that,
left to their own devices, guns are actually quite harmless. It's
only when their culture is forced to endure constant human interference
that they become erratic or dangerous. As a result, I propose building
a series of federally protected 'gun sanctuaries' where guns can
live a natural existence free from interference by human beings.
In answer to your question of why we decided
to name the party the "Fun" Party, polling data has indicated that
a great majority of Americans like, and can personally associate
with "fun." About half of the populace associates with the word
"democratic" and maybe half that again actually enjoys it. No one
really knows what "republican" means, and only a small portion really
appreciates the word. But just about everyone can understand and
appreciate fun.
Not only do I support measures legalizing
marijuana for both medical and recreational purposes, I personally
deal the stuff, so if you need a quick key, I can hook you up. I
mean, I can do that now, but if I were president, well, that'd fucking
rock...It's like that episode of Star Trek. The next generation,
not the first star trek, where they beam down to that planet with,
like, all the people who just want to fuck all the time? I mean,
have you ever thought about that? Just lying around this kick ass
planet with a bunch of aliens who look like really good looking
people who just wanna have sex all day?
I mean, I can understand voting libertarian
if you're a drug addled gun nut with a 90 IQ (or lower) but socialist
party? What the hell, people? Everyone HATES socialists. I mean,
even socialists hate socialists. Voting socialist is something freshmen
nerds do to annoy their parents and impress other nerds of the opposite
gender. It's the geek version of cow tipping.
I'm just glad that consensual adult sex can
now be controlled through federal law. All I have to do is grease
the right palms in Washington, and Uma Thurman's sexual prospects
should be severely limited. Soon, I may be several select peoples'
only legal solution to relieving sexual tension.
Look, I don't know about anyone else, but
this is exactly the sort of crisis our government should be preventing.
Three months, three months of a West Coast pornography freeze, and
people are wondering why the economy is fidgeting? From AIDS research
to legalized prostitution to mandatory health screenings, my administration
would put protecting our vital pornography industry at the top of
its priority list.
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by any candidate.
Contributions to Fun Party are not tax deductible for federal income
tax purposes.
