Jesus Soup

So any liberal keeping up with the latest assault on the left wing is probably aware of the ‘war on Christmas’ that we’re apparently pursuing. Despite the pagan beginnings of this Yuletide season hallmark, not to mention its recent secular face, the fact is that Christmas is in some way related to Jesus, and that means it must die.

And, frankly, they’re right. I’m sick to death of Christianity. I’m fed up with God and Jesus, and I really think it’s about time they were struck from social memory. Egyptian like, I want every reference to this hot headed, irrational deity and his patsy little boy stamped out of cultural memory. And if that means striking down anything so much as tainted with his presence, then so be it.

Do I want to take the word ‘God’ off the U.S. dollar? Hell no, I want all current denominations collected, burned and redesigned. After all, even if we removed the phrase, “In God We Trust,” the memory of it would linger on every time someone glanced at a dollar bill.

Do I want the Pledge of Allegiance altered to omit mention of the lord? No, of course not. Who would ever? I want it scrapped and written over. I want all references to it summarily confiscated. I want those found with the sheet music herded into camps. I want that cocksucker Dwight D. Eisenhower’s corpse yanked up and hurled into a tar pit.

I want Christmas to be moved back to the 21st and for family’s to sacrifice herd animals to mother earth on that day. I want the cross, as a symbol, to be removed from social use. I want the damned letter ‘x’ eradicated, Marvel comics be damned. There’s nothing it does you can’t do with a k, g and s anyway. Easter we can get rid of altogether. You have May Day, that’s e-fucking-nough. Even, alas Mardi Gras would have to go, since it pertains directly to that ridiculous Catholic lent self torture shit.

But what I will not tolerate, the slander I shall not endure, is this idiot claim that, in our very noble and justified attempts to scour any and all sources of vile Christianity from our land, that somehow we’re out to destroy Narnia! Narnia, blessed kingdom ruled by most noble Aslan the lion, this isn’t Christian!

I take us all back to The Last Battle, where we see, in what amounts to the afterlife, a lifelong enemy of Aslan’s, or so it would seem, a man who worshipped another god and hated Aslan in his heart, thinking Aslan to be the enemy of good. But he was a good person in his heart, and did great services in the name of good, all the while claiming to do it for Tash, a dark god, and not Aslan, the good god.

So this individual finally meets Aslan in the afterlife, right? And he thinks, and I quote, “Surely this is the hour of death for The Lion will know that I served Tash all my days and not him.” And if he had encountered Jesus, he would have been right. But Aslan spoke to him and said, “…no service which is vile may be done [unto] me, and no service which is not vile can be done [unto Tash]. Therefore, if any man swear by Tash, and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted.”

Now I ask you, when was the last time you saw a Christian care more about the deed done than the god named? Sure, Lewis was a Christian, but Narnia itself is deist, at best. So a good liberal would never advocate destroying these incredible children’s classics. We would merely suggest reattributing them to a more worthy author.