O, Death

Lot of death talk in the media these days, lot of conservatives don’t seem to think we’re killing quite enough people. Or, perhaps more likely, they’re just not satisfied with the caliber of person they’re killing these days. I mean, slaughtering thousands of Iraqi civilians and U.S. infantry is a nice afternoon’s work, but they’re not really ‘big game’. Third world citizens and the most poorly educated of the U.S. underclass are hardly kills worthy of mounting on your den wall, if you know what I mean.

So with an eye towards a braggin’ trophy, Pat Robertson has drawn a bead on no less than the democratically elected leader of a friendly nation, Venezuelan President Senior Chavez. Fred Phelps, no longer content with inspiring violence against gays and Swedes, is advancing onto bigger things, namely the King of Sweden, Carl Gustaf, and the Utah County Sheriff’s Department…well, they violently and psychotically assaulted a bunch of high schoolers and rave kids, but then again, this is Utah, The U.S.A.’s ‘special needs child.’ It’s understandable that they’d screw something like this up.

And so if the head of the American Legion, conservative blivet Thomas Cadmus decides that he and his are going to shut legal, protected protestors the hell up by, “whatever means necessary,” don’t suppose that this is just his hatred of the United States talking. It’s merely practice before he goes after high ranking members of the press, who he threatened immediately afterwards. If Tucker Carlson actually advocates honest to god terrorism like the French attack against that Greenpeace boat so long ago, realize that we’ve gone beyond the typical, rabid hatred of their betters conservatives tend to display.

Think about it like a hunter’s lodge. You have several overweight, badly dressed idiots and assholes smoking cigars and drinking beer (it’s eerie how well the analogy is holding up already.) They’re getting ready to go out and shoot some deer, some coon, maybe a bear or some such. These hunters may, or may not, actually hate the animals they are going to hunt. What’s important is that they are out there to kill them. It’s the recreation of the hour, and there is a certain level of competition. Obviously, if the buck you kill has the highest point count, then you are, in a sense, the ‘winner’ (unless one of your buddies actually gets the bear,) and the winner naturally is afforded a certain amount of honor. He doesn’t have to buy the beer, he gets to choose what channel the television stays on and he can probably sneak a quick one in with someone else’s wife later that week.

And that’s all we’re seeing here. Conservative talking heads are already an unstable, frenzied lot, and all the killing they’ve managed to help incite over the past six years has just whipped them up into a legitimate blood lust. It’s a competition to see who can incite the most big name violence or murder. They’ve already got numbers, now they’re out for fame. And, frankly, I want in.

Seriously, I’ve long espoused the notion that the American liberal should start to swing away from our pacifistic, bleeding heart image. If there’s anything that The Shining Path or the Bolsheviks can teach us, it’s that orgies of psychotic murder aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive to a desire to promote the long term freedom and well being of your fellow man. It’s just that we at the Fun Party don’t much go in for killing off your average civilian. These are, after all, the people we’re working to uplift. However, I propose that there is, in fact, absolutely nothing wrong with suggesting that the minute someone starts recommending the cold blooded murder of people for merely holding a different social stance than they do, that person themselves probably becomes the best target for a well aimed bullet.

But what I’d like is to try to figure out these rules about who I can and can’t incite violence against, legally. I mean, obviously, I can’t incite violence against any elected officials within the U.S. It may seem unrealistic and unfair, but it’s just a lesson we all have to learn. But apparently foreign dignitaries are fair game? I mean, even ones who are democratically elected rulers of nations the U.S. is at peace with? So, what, I could recommend that the U.S. government whack Tony Blair? Is that legal? Because hey, that would be fun! Can I encourage Chavez to use whatever wet works program Venezuela has operating to quietly remove Robertson? We won’t miss him, guys, pinky swear. I mean, now that I realize there are avenues by which we can legally shout, “Let’s you and him fight!” I think it’s time for the Fun Party to jump on the bandwagon.

T-Shirt Ideas : “The Fun Party, Bringing you a Crueler, More Violent Liberal!”