I Personally Like the Ancient Egyptian Theory That The Creator Wanked The Universe Into Being

This week, in the Onion, I came across this news headline: “Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity with New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory.” What so impressed me about this particular Onion article was not the humor, but the perfect reflection of the real events being parodied. Not only did the piece accurately model the current social situation, it also accurately modeled the sloppy, ignorant way which today’s media essentially endorses intelligent design arguments as somehow relevant or valid.

So true to life is the scenario painted here that I’m actually surprised we haven’t seen it come to pass. Creationists rely solely on the art of attacking unknowns, which is to say that they scrounge down into the science until they find something assumed by the figures or deduced but not yet witnessed, then blithely claim that since scientists can’t yet take a photo of what’s stationed in that corner of reality, it must be god. As The Onion illustrates, pretty much any scientific fact, in that it hasn’t provided all the answers to everything, has unknowns to exploit. In fact, there are far more mysteries in physics than in evolution at this point, so why is an observed and obvious course of change like evolution getting taken up the ass while something as frankly intangible as the gravitational force gets a free ride?

Perhaps you’ve heard tell of the appeal being made to the Kansas Board of Education on the behalf of those who believe that creation was fashioned by The Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster. Their concern is that if intelligent design is included as part of the curriculum in public schools, that those who claim to only be wanting to help the CHILDREN, giving the CHILDREN the tools to make an educated decision, might actually be using such a law to push their own religious agenda illegally and unfairly upon these delicate young ‘uns. All they’re asking is that each possible concept be given equal weight, which is only fair and only rational. After all, it’s not about religious zealotry, it’s about the kids, gotta HELP them chilluns, give them a little extra learnin’ so they can most easily pick for themselves which natural or divine creation force they, personally, think is the most entertaining notion to favor. Because that’s what education is all about, right? Not so much teaching kids as just throwing a bunch of random ideas at them, regardless of merit, and shouting, “Here, kids! Pick one!”

I’ve been arguing for about a year that this is the only rational response to this kind of idiocy. You can’t argue rationally with people who would propose teaching creationism against evolution; if they could think rationally they’d have never made the proposition in the first place. Your only hope of cracking the bronzed, petrified walnut that is their skull to let the light of truth in is to turn their own behavior back on them and hope, hope AGAINST hope, that maybe they can not only see how retarded such behavior is, but maybe even empathize enough to realize how it relates to them.

Apparently, the Spaghetti Monster isn’t the only theory the Kansas Education Board has had proposed to them, of late, and I think this is a good idea, an important idea. As of this moment, I am charging each and every loyal member of the Fun Party’s constituency to find or create their own creation theory, if you don’t already have one, and mail it off to the Kansas Education Board. Post them here in the comments section. I’m serious. Do it. I’ll have mine by the end of tomorrow night. Let’s do what this party was meant to do from the start. Combine having fun and effecting actual, positive social change.