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Another one bites the dust
According to the AP, Tom Ridge has joined the ever-growing list of the unemployed... resigning his post as Homeland Security Chief. He may be gone, but his color-coded legacy will live on in our hearts. And, let's be honest, since John Ashcroft insured the safety of Americans there was really nothing left for Ridge to do.
A Proposal to Be Immodest
Now, see, this is a good idea. http://www.planetout.com/news/article.html?2004/11/24/3
Recently, I had chance to speak at length with my good friend and technology guru, Jeremy Wade (Jeremy says hi, by the way, Dal,) and we both agreed that what with the majority of American citizens now either poised to rape our constitution gangbang style or sit with their thumbs up their asses while this happens, it’s time for the rest of us to start applying these intellects which November 2nd so strongly inferred that we had and come up with some way to stop our sudden, extreme backslide as a society.
The simple truth is that the laws of our land, and the means by which they are upheld, are barely understood by most of the citizenry these days. When you live in a society where the fundamental values of that society are no longer applied or protected then what inevitably results is social conflict, erupting between those who would abuse or ignore the premise of society, and the growing minority who both understand and support that premise. History has played out our current scenario countless times; those in power abandon the trappings of cooperative society and instead demand unity based either on blind patriotism and loyalty to the current ruling body, or out of fear of reprisal, and a better definition of tyranny I don’t think exists.
It is left, then, for the populace to determine how to react. Many, history shows, will capitulate, out of fear, out of laziness, out of stupidity. Some will protest, but only within the legal structure which, as history and current precedent both show, will continue to diminish in its scope, effectiveness and protection from reprisal. Note today, where, as examples, you are suddenly not allowed to enjoy the protected freedom of assembly and speech laws assured us, but are instead subject to relocation, harassment, infiltration and even arrest for breaking no law, should you express overt support for the actual laws of the land, or the spirit behind them.
Others take the extreme route of violent dissent, see exhibit A, Oklahoma City. The problems with this method are equally obvious. Many such rebellious natures are a few bricks short of a load to begin with (see exhibit A,) and can’t be trusted to assess targets intelligently or productively. Secondly, such behavior frightens the already prone-to-panic citizenry, causing many fence straddlers to fall firmly behind their actual oppressors, then giving those in power even more authority to reduce freedoms without new social reprisal.
Thoreau, as you might recall, helped make popular the third method, civil disobedience, by which we simply ignore those laws and regulations which have been created without the best interests of society in mind. It can even be taken to the next level, active subversion, as we see above. Thoreau knew that civil disobedience could draw negative attention down on unjust sanction, but what he never really saw fit to point out is that it can be fun, too.
The trouble with civil disobedience is that it has to be overt. If you are, say, smoking a fattie in your apartment, that’s not actually civil disobedience. It’s just breaking the law. On the other hand, if you walk into the office of your local constabulary and cut a few lines, well, assuming you’re not just amazingly stupid, then you have succeeded in committing an act of civil disobedience.
Likewise, if you live in a state whose outdated and ridiculous sodomy or obscenity laws haven’t yet been overturned, it’s simply not enough to browse internet porn or have oral sex with your wife. You have to let it be understood that any natural orifice large enough to accommodate can be used for sex legitimately. You have to make it clear to your local lawmakers AND the citizens they represent that you will marry who you want, when you want, where you want. You have to school society in the art of smut, making it clear that there is a simple concept of freedom being upheld, and attempts to subvert that will simply not be tolerated. You can’t have a ‘free’ society where freedoms are pointlessly infringed. That equals no society at all, hence the basis for civil disobedience.
But you don’t want to suffer the repercussions of blatantly thumbing your nose at our over reactive and violent authorities. I can understand that. We’ve all seen those lousy hippies being truncheoned in the streets. We heard what happened at Kent State. Hell, my own roommate got tear gassed simply for walking idly down the wrong street in Seattle. The current face of government has a long, heavy arm that waves about in an almost seizure-like manner when agitated, and a lot of us, well, we’re selfish cowards. But there is a better way!
The enemy, the tyranny, is remarkably unsavvy regards our modern technology. As with their social notions, they seem to move back a step every time technology moves forward three. Clinton himself was far from hep when it came to even simple things like E-mail. And that’s where to strike, as we can see was done in Italy.
Think of it as aversion therapy, like you might perform on some phobic or another. If you have a girlfriend who is frightened of, say, daddy-long-legs, the quickest route to curing her mental ailment is simply to cover her with the things. Initially, there will be a negative reaction, but after a few minutes, her mind is forced to accept the now glaringly apparent: that these gentle arthropods present no danger whatsoever, and are in fact sort of cute. Likewise, the socially stalled brains of our leaders and ‘red’ majority might also be jogged into reality through exposure. Preacher X might react with initial shock and disgust to the dildo orgies that keep showing up on his cable television, but after the tenth time he hasn’t suddenly been contacted by Satan or gone blind, even such a degenerate mind is going to start realizing that the body hasn’t been ‘bitten’ yet, as it were. There is no danger, personally or socially. And from there, healing can begin.
Anyone, people, any degenerate mind capable of even basic literacy and logical structure can learn to be a hacker within a year of serious application. Beyond that, they aren’t hard to find, and most of them are fairly liberal, or simply disinclined to bow to authority. Find them, hire them, urge them forth. The red states want less sex? I say we give them more. Make them dream of the days when we offered them a ‘we’ll keep it private’ deal. Make them sorry they didn’t accept a ‘if its not your business, its not your business’ compromise. Hell, maybe even force a few of them to understand that it’s just fucking sex. It doesn’t hurt. (Much, after the first time, I mean. Unless you really want it to.)
Friends, lets get seriously up in arms about this. Red America has been BAD. It’s time to rub their noses in it.
Ben Franklin vs. Michigan Militia
This Salon article the brought immense joy to my morning. [If you are not a member, there should be a link for a free day pass... it's worth it.] You must read the entire article to truly get the effect, but it comes from one of those moments we've all had... you are confronted with someone putting words into the mouths of the Founding Fathers to further their inane cause. If only you could call upon one of those early Americans to refute their claims. Josh Kornbluth could, and I love him for it.
Great neocon moments at the Clinton library
It turns out Karl Rove is a scary as we thought. According to this this Salon article, Rove after having received a tour of the Clinton library before the opening ceremonies was told by the tour guide [jokingly], "You're not such a scary guy." Rove is said to have muttered the following as he walked away,"Yes, I am. I change Constitutions, I put churches in schools ..." Bush during his tour stated that "a submarine could take this place out." God bless America. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
What's that thingy on your beak already?
Hello, my little turkey mowers! I just found out yesterday that on November 17th, the White House turkeys were pardoned. No, not those turkeys, the ugly turkeys. Wait. UGH. Third from the left.Hope you all have a fun-filled day of filling your stomachs tomorrow! I am going to eat so much stuffing. Just you wait. DO YOU HEAR THAT CUBED HERBY BREAD W/ SAUTEED CELERY, ONION, SOMETIMES APPLE, ETC., I AM TALKING TO YOU!!! YOU'D BETTER GET UP, CAUSE IT'S GOING DOWN! Bake me at 375 until golden brown, Kristin PS - I usually blame the President for something in each of my posts, but today, instead... I AM THANKFUL TO PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH for making me laugh on a regular basis. George you make it the funny!
No more nukes... or why Georgie can't read
Listening to NPR this morning like a good commuter, I had an epiphany. It's not that I heard anything that I hadn't heard before, but for some reason the pieces fell into place about 30 minutes ago. I now know why the U.S. has been so unsuccessful at halting the spread of WMD. George Bush can't read. That's right, friends, but every cloud has a silver lining... we have managed to successfully eradicate "nucular" weapons programs throughout the world. God bless America!
A kiss is still a kiss
Much has been made about the fact that W. kissed both Condi Rice and Margaret Spellings at the press conferences announcing their appointments. The best [according to the Post] that Bush could muster for Alberto Gonzales was a "strong handshake and the sort of torso tackle that men give each other in lieu of an actual hug." Why is this so suprising people? Everone knows that George W. Bush loves the ladies... and hates men who kiss other men.
Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next Election
From the Onion.... but don't be suprised if it is proposed. Republicans Call For Privatization Of Next ElectionWASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "extreme inefficiency" of this month's U.S. presidential election, key Republicans called for future elections to be conducted by the private sector.
Karl Rove: Man of the Year?
Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, the Ayatollah Khomeini and now possibly Karl Rove... what do these men have in common? If this Reuters story pans out, they will have all been Time magazine's person of the year. That's right folks, Karl Rove is the leading contender for this year's honor. Others in the running include George W., Michael Moore, and Mel Gibson. Haven't we suffered enough? The upside of having the flu, however, is that the news is much more palatable when one is heavily medicated.
Uncle Ben
Hey, tigers. I would just like to say thank you to America Online for the following headline (quoted from memory*): “Rice picked to replace Powell as Secretary of State” HAHAHA. I wonder if it’s boil-in-a-bag of slow-cooking wild! * AOL is a little bitch and won’t let me on to their homepage at the moment, so I cannot link it. But, honestly. Who knew that the folks at AOL have a sense of humor? I can’t believe they didn’t use the verb “picked” on purpose. Please. Somewhat relatedly, I hate AOL instant messenger right in the face. And, as always, I bring you my daily thing for which I blame our president... I BLAME PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH for the giant ingrown hair on my calf. Happy humpty hump day to you all! Cheers, Kristin
Isn't that sweet? The House Republicans are going to make sure that Tom DeLay can still bully the US House and the TX State Government even from prison. You gotta love people that can take care of their own.
President Bush and My Pants
Hello and sparkly Monday to one and all! Well, Colin Powell has resigned, and it is likely that Condoleeza Rice will take his place. Because you have to replace a black person with a black person, everybody knows that. Even our President. Is it just me, or are there an awful lot of cabinet members resigning? I believe it’s something like six so far, but I could be wrong on that. I am pretty well known for “making shit up” and “talking directly out of my asshole”. That’s what makes me so lovable! And boy am I lovable. I am up to my eyeballs here in lovability. And bullshit. I will be the palate cleansing sorbet of this blog, bringing you 100% unproven “facts” and lots of opinions based on nothing even remotely resembling research or actual knowledge, in between bites of well thought out entries, supported by links to news organization articles and the like. If I were a sorbet I would be blue razzberry, a color and flavor not found in nature! It seems that every damn day in the news there has been something about how troops are “pushing deeper” into Falluja. Just how big is Falluja, and when will the troops be finished plumbing its depths? I just saw the title to a NYT article, which states that Falluja has been captured, and poses the question, “what’s next?” That’s like saying “those chicken strips were really tasty*, but, *brushes crumbs from mouth*, what’s next?” *Can you tell I had Wendy’s for lunch? And that I’m still hungry? I wrote about Falluja once before, and tried searching to find a map of Iraq, so I could see where the city is in relation to Baghdad, etc., and all I got was a suggestion to try the Yellow Pages under “Falluja”. Thank you, ask.com. You are an embarrassment to search engines everywhere. In my last post, I blamed President Bush for the sudden and inexplicable popularity of patriotic ribbon magnets. I think maybe that’s a good thing to do in each of my entries, because if there is one thing I love it is placing the blame for annoying little things on my own stupidity on the heads of those who are responsible. I would blame God, but he's not a big blog-reader, and has blocked me on AIM. I BLAME PRESIDENT BUSH for the fact that the cuff on my left pantleg came unstitched. It certainly couldn't have happened because I bought these pants at Marshall's. Blogger constantly confuses me, so I am typing this alternately into MS Word and the Blogger Create Post field to make 100% sure that I leave out key words and/or generally fuck this up. Woo**! ** I don't know why, but typing that always makes me laugh. Easily confused and easily amused, Kristin
Why They Vote
One of the things that almost no one on either side seems to understand is what, exactly, red America was voting for. Those of us who didn’t vote for Bush can’t understand why so much of America wants to dominate how we live our lives, in direct violation of the notion of ‘liberty’, and those who did can’t seem to grasp that they’re doing this, or why we’d care. What it boils down to is one of the trademark characteristics of those who are conservative, which is fear, fear of the different, the unknown, the adverse. Conservatism is, by definition, the attempt to retain convention and curb change or variety. For some reason, we all are inclined to blithely accept this as somehow legitimate when what it really means no more and no less than, “direct violation of liberty.” When members of society act politically in order to restrain behavior, there are two ways in which this can manifest. On the one hand, there is a rational response to demonstrably destructive behavior. When we decide we don’t, as an example, feel like having random malcontents blowing up federal buildings and begin designing measures to curb this, we are not embracing ‘conservative’ values. We are embracing societal preservation, and whether the laws we ultimately devise work or not, there is still an obvious and rational tie between “maintain a society that prizes life and liberty” and “use political energy to prevent people from randomly blowing up relevant portions of it.” This is not conservative, it’s rational. When members of that same society act politically in order to, say, enforce the dogma of their religion, then this might only be seen as rational in a society where the clear and defined tenets of that society focused on preserving that religion; a theocracy. In our ‘life and liberty’ society above, they have no rational tie. There is no demonstrable reason to try and promote these notions as law. In fact, the opposite is true. A conservative social orientation is demonstrated through attempts to curb social ideals which stray from the narrow group of behaviors that any particular conservative has decided he or she needs to ‘protect’. It has absolutely nothing to do with promoting a free or just society, merely a uniform one. This is, most especially in the United States, not merely something that conservatism can lead to, it is all conservatism has ever amounted to. It is an ethically bankrupt philosophy, taking a base desire to avoid variety or change and mocking it up to appear like a valid social agenda. And this is what the right wing is voting for. It doesn’t relate to long term societal promotion or a complex community philosophy. It is nothing more than a drive to eliminate the need to deal an environment not tailored absolutely to their tastes.
You know what I think of when I hear Central Intelligence Agency? I think liberals. Also traitors. And those people must really hate America and all our...their...our freedoms. Someone wrote on another blog that this is a piece of political dynamite handed to the Democrats; unfortunately much like the ever-incompetent Wile E. Coyote ( super-genius) it will only blow up in their hands. BTW one must register to view the Baltimore Sun article, but it's free and then one could pass it along.
Jesus hates GW Bush
Jesus hates GW Bush. There I've said it. Fun pharses like these are what we have to look forward to in our 51% theocracy. We just have to think back to short weeks ago by remembering what seperated the Republicans from the Democrats 1) The War in Iraq 2) The Economy 3) Health Care. Now we've woken up after black Tuesday to find that accoring to exit polling how one voted is directly tied to how many times they've seen the Passion of Christ. Note, I make these statements as a practicing Christian who attends church more often than either of the candidates (fun homework assignement, go look up how many times a year Bush actually attends religious services). I also say these things as someone who believes ones faith, whatever it may be is one of the most important components of ones life and should guide one's thinking and decision making. What I want to know however is just when we as a people shifted from believing that religious freedom is a right to the right to dominate. I want to know when the Democrats decided that the best way to oppose the Republican's on issues of religion wasn't to resort to a populism that demonstrates that the least of these are best served by compassion and grace not judgement and retribution, but to attempt to out Republican the Republicans. I want to know when the Republican's shifted from being a party that believed that goverment had no business in personal affairs to one that believes it should intervene in how an individual can distribute their property, children, and medical consent. Here are a few of the changes to look forward to in this new and mighty land: 1) When telling the story of the Thanksgiving, the pilgrams will finish the meal by prosletizing to the Indians about their godless ways and then erecting a copy of the ten commandments in the medicine man's wigwam. 2) Our money will now carry the phrase, "In God We Trust, Praise Jesus!" 3) Sandi Patti will rewrite the national anthem to get rid of those pesky high notes. 4) Zell Miller will finally get that personal exorcism he's been itching for. God bless, Scot
For those considering suicide...
I wish I had written this
Study this article and begin to implement until you are full-on debauched, hedonisitic, pleasure-seeking machine. We will take our country back, but we will attack from the back so as to maximize our opportunities to capture a greater share of booty.
Intro, Magnets, Vagina
Hi, everyone! I’m Kristin. I normally write in my www diary, but I will also be joining forces with the other folks here at Fun For America. CAUTION: GOOD TIMES AHEAD! When the election was over, I allowed myself one day of post-election bitterness, before I got back to my regularly scheduled program of not particularly caring. However, when Dallas invited me to lend my voice to this blog, I decided to lift the Bitter Ban, and get crazy with the vitriol. And away we go! LIST OF THINGS FOR WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO BLAME PRESIDENT BUSH, ALTHOUGH THEY ARE NOT REALLY HIS FAULT: 1. Ribbon magnets. I wasn’t even going to link the site, because f that, but I didn’t think anyone would believe me if I said, “There is a website on the Internet which sells, among other things, first aid kits, ribbon magnets, and beef snacks.” without some sort of proof. So there you have it. Click and be amazed. I believe someone might have passed a law which states that you are not allowed to start your car, much less get on the highway, without a minimum of 78 ribbon magnets on your car. 2. If you have a vagina and an email account, you have doubtless received an email that starts off with: “Dear Friends, President Bush has announced his intention to appoint Dr. W. David Hager to head up the Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee…”, and goes on to describe Dr. Hager’s opinions on birth control (none unless you are married) as well as his advice for dealing with PMS (read The Bible) (I am not kidding.). It turns out that this is not only sad and scary but true. However, I have 3 copies in my inbox (note to self: delete those emails), and not, as requested, copied, pasted, put my name at the bottom, and forwarded to all my friends, and if I were the 100th one on the list of names, forwarded it to The White House. I do not Fwd:. So, rather than blaming President Bush for anything in this case, I would like to thank him for giving me the opportunity to stay strong on email policy. I think that’s a good start. I should probably re-title that section as: ONE THING I’D LIKE TO BLAME ON PRESIDENT BUSH AND ANOTHER THING THAT IS BASICALLY ME BITCHING ABOUT FORWARDS (AGAIN). But I won’t. Because I’m lazy. I think my bitterness muscle is a little out of shape, so consider this a warm-up post. Always remember to stretch before you exercise! Your friend,
Kristin
Friday confessional
Friends, I have a dirty little secret that I must get off my chest. It’s not something of which I am particularly proud. I have tried to deny and convince myself otherwise, but it’s no use. I love Zell Miller. Sure he’s a sell-out, who deserted his party and supported Bush to bask in the warm glow the network cameras. Sure he’s loud and rude and full of hate, but damn it… the man is so friggin’ entertaining. Here are my favs… After his horribly inaccurate rant at the Republican convention, he challenged Chris Matthews to a duel … a DEUL! Recently, Zell went after Maureen Dowd on Imus in the Morning: "The more Maureen Loud [sic] gets on 'Meet the Press' and writes those columns, the redder these states get. I mean, they don't want some high brow hussy from New York City explaining to them that they're idiots and telling them that they're stupid." To her credit, Dowd is said to have responded, "I'm not a highbrow hussy from New York. I'm a highbrow hussy from Washington. Senator, pistols or swords?" The man is walking performance art.
Jonesing for a second term
Ahhhh Bob Jones... Yes, the wack-job head of Bob Jones U., an evangelical christian university in South Carolina, has made the news again. This time for a congratulatory letter he wrote to the president after last week's election. Here's a little taste... "In your re-election, God has graciously granted America—though she doesn't deserve it—a reprieve from the agenda of paganism. You have been given a mandate ... Don't equivocate. Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ. Honor the Lord, and He will honor you." Why do you despise Bush? Let's make a list and see if Christ even makes the top 2,304.
Who Is The Fun Party?
In the last thirty years, we've seen a repulsive trend in political and social thought. Large business interests, a news media now pandering entirely to dollar driven sensationalism and a two party system balanced dangerously between a cumbersome and corrupt bureaucracy and out and out lunacy have all joined forces to create the most efficiently docile public possible. Meaningless catch phrases and blatant appeals to emotion market homogenized social messages until the only representatives the majority could conceive of voting for are white haired, middle-aged Caucasian men wielding contrary solutions to non-existent problems. Our society has become demonstrably insane. The only way its continued survival can even be explained at this point is the inertia of bureaucracy, the natural greed of humanity which requires at least bread and circuses for complacency, and the efforts of a devoted handful behind the scenes. The Fun Party is a natural, even inevitable response to this, representing that segment of society still fundamentally interested in the more traditionally embraced ethics of avoiding force or intimidation, desperate believers that truth and pragmatism can only be used productively if embraced willingly, but also a segment audacious enough that it can't keep its tongue still in the face of obvious idiocies. As fun party founder Dallas Shelby likes to point out, we're satire, but I caution those who encounter it from dismissing it as 'a joke.' To quote the Reverend Ivan Stang, "something can be funny and true at the same time," and in an insane environment, the sanest people might naturally seem mad. We want to tell the truth, but that doesn't mean we can't explain it in an entertaining way. This doesn't make the truth less true, but it may make it more constructive, more beneficial, in the long run, to all of us. The truth will set you free, they say, but perhaps the nature of the truth determines the nature of the freedom. If our truth must be fed to us slowly through the violent disintegration of our rights, our ethics, our liberties, our lives, then might not our freedom manifest itself in equally dire forms? Gunpowder and plots, rifles and bombs would pave the unfortunate and heavy road to freedom born of that truth. Instead, let's embrace a truth carried on the backs of jokes and quips, insults, plays on words and a strange but clear path to the hidden heart of many political messages. Let's expose the truth through laughter and pointed fingers, innocent but honest inspections of our world in all its absurdity. If we let go of all of the false assumptions and destructive conventions society has 'forced' upon us, and allow our eyes and hearts to open to the hidden nature of our reality without becoming blind to the lighter side, then we may suddenly find ourselves transcending naturally into a brighter world, a series of pure yet slightly mischevious individual utopias quietly coalescing, spreading out, infecting all of society, lifting it up into a more worthwhile realm.
Ashcroft defeats crime!
That's right, folks, Attorney General John Ashcroft, in a five-page, handwritten letter to our president, said, "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." Mission accomplished.
You say you want a revolution?
First things first...
Humor, particularly sarcastic and ironic humor, is a weapon against insincerity and exploitation. It has always been the principal weapon of the disenfranchised precisely because it is effective. And light jokes about, say, news anchors' hairstyles make a pretty dull weapon. Dark humor, cathartic release, gets darker as the times do. Irony is the last resort of the angry and powerless, and will not be going away soon. Yes, friends, these are dark times and what America really needs now is some good old-fashioned fun. That’s where we come in. Born from the ashes of our election-night defeat, we are now starting anew. Behold “Fun for America!” a grassroots organization, raising awareness of the issues of the day through humor. Our message is simple... Get angry. Get involved. It's Fun for America!
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