By Beatrice Nunley
Contributing Editor The following is an uncut transcription of a phone conversation between Pasquinade correspondent, Beatrice Nunley, and Senator John McCain on May 2, 2000. As per a legal injunction against Ms. Nunley,* this piece merely transcribes statements made over a public phone, it in no way constitutes print, radio or television journalism.
JM: This is John McCain.
BN: Senator McCain, are all Asians "gooks" or just the ones who held you captive?
JM: Who is this?
BN: Beatrice Nunley. You may remember me from previous encounters some years ago.
JM: Bea? I thought you were locked in some looney bin somewhere.
BN: That goddamn Mike Wallace is spreading that rumor. The little sack of shit isn't up to sucking my withered tit. Now, answer my question, John.
JM: Look. I call 'em like I see 'em. There's no point in pretending I have any respect for my former captors. I'll tell you though; you won't see a group of American immigrants that have done more to improve their position than Asian Americans.
BN: How's Cindy? Still taking her "medication?"
JM: Look here, Bea, going after my wife is below the belt...
BN: Evidently not enough or you'd spend more than the weekends with her. We all know that if you don't water an azalea, it sure won't come up next spring.
JM: That's it, Bea, you can deal with my reps from now on. You and whoever the hell you're writing for are off the bus.
BN: What? You're just going to let me make this shit up, John? You know I don't have to fabricate anything from a certain evening forty years ago.
JM: Fine, Bea, let's get this beating over with.
BN: That's what you'd like, wouldn't you? We all know what you're about, John. No human would give up the opportunity to pull the bamboo out from under their fingernails just to stay and support their buddies. Admit it, John, you're into pain, and this pure power your pursuing is just the pain's most divine incarnation.
JM: What I did in Vietnam is just what any other good American would have done.
BN: Come on, we all know you want to start a war with China just to get an ICBM where the sun don't shine.
JM: What I'm trying to do is erase eight years of discord. I promise you, you won't see me eliciting funds from Tibetan Monks. I'll respect their rights to poverty.
BN: It all fits together. Your love of Nine Inch Nails, the leather breeches, the desire to take on monsters that will kick you around like a stickball in Jersey...
JM: You finished?
BN: Do you think I'm finished? I wasn't able to stop the pure unadulterated love of power that Nixon unearthed upon this nation, but maybe I can say enough to slow you down.
JM: This isn't even a fucking interview... Jim, start recording this, we may need it as evidence.
BN: Just a few more questions.
JM: Jim, you got it going?
BN: So, do you really believe that George W. Bush is a retarded little monkey?
JM: What?
BN: Come on just say it, John, and I'll leave you alone. "George W. Bush is a retarded little monkey."
JM: I'm not going to say that.
BN: Say what?
JM: That George Bush is a retarded little monkey... Shit...
BN: Okay the next one is, "Alan Keyes is an Uncle Tom."
JM: Are you going to ask me any real questions?
BN: Do you see it as a gaping contradiction for one of the Keating Five to be for campaign finance reform?
JM: Look, I was as much a victim of this corrupt system as any other congressman. That's why I want to tear it down.
BN: It wouldn't have anything to do with your connections to the beer industry and their efforts to dismantle the tobacco lobby and thereby destroy tobacco's position as the number one addictive drug in America?
JM: Look, I worked as a distributor for a while and my father-in-law is still in the business, but wouldn't dismantling the system hurt the beer lobby as well?
BN: Are you drunk right now?
JM: This interview's over...
*February 17, 1976, Mike Wallace and the producers of the television show, "60 Minutes" filed a libel suit against Beatrice Nunley. Due to a superior court decision, Ms. Nunley is prohibited from participating in any print, radio and/or television journalism.
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