By Michael B. Heaney
Creative Director The hearts and minds of the entire world have been literally captured
for almost one hundred years by the silver screen. The movie industry
is a multi-billion dollar monster that has been making and breaking great
men and women since the turn of the century. Almost anyone would give
their left arm to be a part of the incredible experience of creating specialized
reality. And now, in this golden age of technology, almost anyone can!
These days you don't have to hire an agent, spend years being rejected
by greasy-faced schmucks for roles so absurd as to send sane men screaming,
begging, pleading, for anything, the most degrading part, best boy, the
guy that gets the sandwiches, anything to be included in the finishing
credits. You could gladly lick boot and kiss ass just to be Gawker #27,
a nameless face that you can point out to your friends when they gather
in the theaters to see the part you finally landed. Sure, eventually some
idiot will literally break a leg and you'll get your big chance - a real
part. And, those same friends who didn't recognize you as Gawker #27 will
be bragging to magazine reporters that they helped you cheat on your algebra
midterm in high school. After that it'll be fame, fortune, bright lights,
loose cash and looser women and men.
That, or you could avoid all that crap and buy your own home video camera
and be in all the scenes you want. Let me tell you all about it.
Basically, there are two types of movies - "Movie" movies, and home movies.
We'll start out by discussing "Movie" movies, the kind MGM studios gives
you a budget to create, you hire a cast and a crew, film the thing, have
it played all over the world, and make millions. "Movie" movies can be
summed up in three words. Not gonna happen. You can't, won't and shouldn't.
We'll elaborate on home movies, the kind where you go pick up a cheapo
video camera from Sears, go home, learn to use the fade and zoom buttons
and take a bunch of shots of your dog slobbering and your baby throwing
up. Yes, home movies are the bastard sons of slide shows of yore.
You and your home video system
Believe it or not, almost everyone who purchases a home camera does so
prior to writing a script, assembling a cast, asking their significant
other, or checking their budget. While most will purchase their first
camera under a shroud of ignorance, you can avoid any serious misfortune
by following these very simple guidelines:
BUY A NEW CAMERA
Do not buy your camera from a pawn shop, garage sale, antique store, idiot
friend, etc. Buy it from Sears... or something.
LOTS OF BUTTONS
If the camera doesn't have a vast plane of buttons and/or switches on
the left side, it's not worth a headless swimmer in shark infested waters.
If it has buttons on both sides, or all around, that's okay, too. However,
if buttons only appear on the right side, you have a left handed camera,
which are made by commies, and you should report it to your local law
enforcement agency immediately.
CHECK THE BRAND NAME
If you don't recognize the name on the side of the camera as a company
which has already provided your most reliable TV's and stereo systems,
then best avoid it. [Examples: Sony is good. Panasonic is good. Zed's
Moving Picture Machines is bad.]
READ THE DESCRIPTIONS
Make a check list of the things you understand and don't understand. Believe
it or not, the more you do understand, the better camera it is. Good cameras
can sell themselves, and will tout features that any idiot can understand
and appreciate. Things like "Includes zoom and fade buttons," "Weighs
under ten pounds," and "Guaranteed to shoot steady footage regardless
of how many epileptic fits you suffer." Poor cameras will hide behind
lines such as "Filters light at 1200 eAus's," which translates to "It
records in sunlight."
LITTLE PLUGS
You want many little plugs. You especially want the little plug that allows
you to hook up an AC adaptor. If you can't plug your camera into a wall
outlet, you've achieved some serious altitude on the stream o' excrement.
All batteries designed for use with video cameras come with a lifetime
guaranty to run out exactly five seconds before what you really want to
film occurs.
IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T RETURN IT
I always recommend dropping something a few times from about five feet
onto a tile floor before any purchase. If it still works when you get
it home, it was well made and well worth the money; if it isn't, you can
return it for a full refund. [If you really just want to damage high
technology, I can understand and recommend increasing the height to about
twenty feet and making the surface concrete.]
SCHMOES BEWARE
Lastly, don't get taken in by window dressing, like built in lights and
remote controls. These things are for schmoes.
Now I'll bet you're wondering what kind of video camera is best for you.
Let's review them top to bottom, shall we?
Beta SP Remember Beta tapes? The little ones? The eight tracks
of the video industry? Well, turns out that Beta is about the best quality
recording you can get these days. Beta cameras are the tools of professionals
the world over, and many of the best and most expensive television shows
you see today are filmed on Betas. You will never acquire a Beta SP camera.
Your proximity to a Beta SP camera will increase proportionately only
to the number of times your place of employment blows up.
8mm The most common type of camera on the market today, the 8mm
camera combines good recording quality with a reasonable price [at
least compared to the Beta.] Ranging from around $600 to $3,000, the
8mm can meet most budgets as well as being versatile enough to meet the
standards of even the most demanding home artist. There are, however,
drawbacks. The first is its size. The makers of 8mm cameras are forever
trying to size it down, which has resulted in cameras small enough and
light enough to fit in the palm of your hand. While this smaller size
may seem convenient at first, these cameras have become too small to put
any buttons on the left hand side. In many cases this has led to poverty
and, in some nations, starvation.
The second big problem with the 8mm is that you can't put an 8mm tape
in your VHS-VCR. Well, you can, but I wouldn't recommend it. The point
I'm trying to make is that, while you can just plug your recorder into
your TV and play back what you've recorded, you can not give your masterpieces
to friends or family for their viewing pleasure. Good for them, bad for
you.
Finally, while the price and availability of 8mm recorders has improved,
the price and availability of 8mm editors has not. For easy access to
an editor, you generally have to transfer everything you've recorded to
VHS tape which defeats the purpose.
VHS The VHS camera runs even cheaper than the 8mm and can sometimes
be found at prices under $200 [Sam's Wholesale]. This is what you
will end up buying because you are familiar with all things VHS and you
have a VHS player and your friends have VHS players and you know where
you can buy cheap VHS tapes and the recorder doubles as a VCR so you don't
have to buy one of those, too. And, you can still rent stuff from Blockbuster.
VHS recorders are large and cumbersome. Their quality can be described
as mediocre, at best. But you will still buy one because they are cheap
and you think you can understand them.
VHS and 8mm also come in "Super" format, which means they record footage
themselves and can fly. They have x-ray lenses and are only damaged by
contact with red Kryptonite and Geraldo Rivera.
Now that you have your camera, you must accessorize. Having discovered
that on film everyone's skin looks like they have hepatitis, you'll pick
up some powerful halogen lights. After you've had it pointed out that
your film work makes it look like you suffer from Parkinson's Disease,
you'll pick up a tripod. And, after you've determined that all your film
work still sucks, you'll grab some editing equipment. Editing equipment
is basically two VCRs run through a computer. With it, you can sit around
for hours playing with new special effects. You can design fancy letters
to spell out "Baby Barfing: Take One." You can try a thousand different
ways to switch from one scene to another. You can discover that the second
VCR has actually been recording "As My Children Turn" the entire time.
It'll be bliss.
Producing your own movie
First things first, do not expect to get rich off of your home movies.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that there's no money in the home
movie industry. Some good amateur porn and clever marketing techniques
can land you some quick cash, and "Americas Funniest Home Videos" is offering
$100,000 for a questionably funny shot of baby's throwing up or men getting
hit in the groin. However, what you produce will be drivel, or frightening,
or both. But, that doesn't mean you can't have fun doing it.
Let's get familiar with our new camera. Turn it on. The battery's dead,
isn't it? Plug it into the wall. Turn it on. Look through the viewfinder.
Hit record. Have fun.
You will, of course, have forgotten to take the lens cap off, meaning
that all the incredible footage you've just finished recording will be
lost, but that's okay because you also forgot to put a tape in. You want
to know how to use the zoom button? Slow down there, Sparky. Let's not
get ahead of ourselves.
Editor's note: Neither the Pasquinade nor Michael Heaney
have been promised money and/or free cameras for the excessive promotion
of Sears stores. We promise.
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