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Michael B. Heaney serves as Creative Director for the Pasquinade.
Read other stories from this author. | By Michael B. Heaney
Creative Director The cycle has started anew. The long cold nights of winter now a distant
memory, the present swells with hope and promise, for spring has finally
come. The lengthening days signal a season of renewal and rebirth- roses
and romance. Young hearts, caught and tossed about like leaves in a tornado
by the warmth and beauty, must certainly turn to fancies of love. Many
of you, dear readers, have undoubtedly found yourself lost in the gaze
of a potential new lover, your nights spent in a pleasant daze of what
might-be-to-come. The only problem is, you probably have some "excess
baggage" to get rid of before you launch any new endeavors. Simply
put, it's about time you traded that old clunker in for a newer model.
Though often unsung, it's important to remember that, as a season of
romance, spring must also, inevitably, be a season of love's end. Before
new crops may grow, the weeds must be tilled into the soil. The nice thing
about tilling plants, however, is that, being immobile flora, they don't
have a lot of say in the matter. On the other hand, anyone you break up
with will probably have plenty to say.
Breaking up with someone in today's world is a task that is never easy,
or happy, or even necessarily safe. Even in the event that they don't
try to stalk, kill or kidnap you, they're sure to talk incessantly, both
to you and to your friends and future romantic prospects about what a
repugnant scum you are and are likely to remain. You can take a tip from
the farmers and put a quick stop to this by tilling them into the soil,
but many states have old, outmoded laws strictly prohibiting that sort
of solution. So, to help you ensure that ditching your S.O. will be as
short and painless as possible, I've gathered together all the tricks
you'll need to know to execute a successful break up.
Note: Some of you may be wary of this newest "How, too..."
since all of my previous musings have focused on higher technology,
whereas this current brainstorm centers on some of the hazier areas
of social interaction. To stay your fears, I'd like to simply point
out that my understanding of the inner workings of modern society, particularly
in the realms of romance and intimacy, are every bit as keen and refined
as my understanding of the finer points of say... VCR repair.
POWDER KEGS & PREEMTIVE STRIKES
The Art of Planning a Break Up
Let's set one thing straight before we go any further. Are you
feeling bad about the idea of "hurting" someone you've been
so close to for so long? Are you worried that dumping them might make
you a terrible person? Well then, worry no longer, for with two simple
facts I will ease your suffering. First, let's not delude ourselves.
You're already a terrible person, so you might as well act like one.
Secondly, you can bet bugs to Buicks that your soon-to-be ex is, at
this very moment, having the exact same conflict about you. It's not
a question of who's going to dump whom, but who's going to do it first.
Even now, they sit plotting, weighing their options, maybe even discussing
it with friends. Your only hope is to strike first, relentlessly and
without remorse! Never waver in your course. Dump them on no uncertain
terms, or else it will be you who is dumped, you who will be left cold
and alone and, most importantly, you who will be looked upon by others
as a Grade-A loser!
The first thing you need to do to prepare for ending any relationship
is to focus on why you're breaking up with them, which is, of course,
because you're too good for them. Make this your mantra. Chant it over
and over (but not around the soon-to-be-ex-object of you affection).
Often this is matched with the fact that there's someone else on the
horizon far more suited to you, or at least with a nicer ass.
NO DEFENSE LIKE BEING OFFENSIVE
Forcing the Breakup
Obviously, if you want to end a tricky affair, the best plan for
a painless break up is to trick the other person into breaking up with
you. There are many ways to do this, all with a certain degree of risk.
First of all, you have to be very subtle about this sort of plan. If
you try to force a breakup by letting your S.O. catch you sleeping with
someone else or by assaulting their mom, you are basically committing
a non-verbal breakup. Instead of causing a breakup by implying that
the relationship is too weak, make it seem way too strong. Become clingy
and co-dependant. Demand to know where they are at all times, and become
irate or moody if they're gone more than five minutes. Accuse them
of cheating on you with everyone from your best friend to the president.
Try to occupy every instant of their free time. Attach an animal-tracking
device to their undergarments. They should be gone in two weeks, tops.
Remember, if this works you'll have to maintain the charade for a few
weeks after the breakup occurs, calling you ex repeatedly and screaming
at them, hunting them down at work, kidnapping their cat and the like.
They're bound to grow suspicious if you stop taking your anti-depression
pills and throw a party the instant they leave.
Other great methods include sudden fixations on certain illegal drugs
or outlandish sexual practices. If you try hard enough, you can find
a niche in society where your mate will not follow. Feign confusion
and take on a slightly patronizing attitude when they show resistance.
I can personally recommend drinking Robutusson and corduroy lingerie
as a good starting point, but feel free to improvise as circumstances
warrant. The nice thing about this method is that, should it backfire
on you, it may just add that extra little bit of spice to warrant giving
the relationship a second chance.
Of course, this method isn't going to work with everyone. Some people
just don't know when a good thing has been offered. At this point it's
time to determine how you want to break up with them, namely, do you
want to go soft or do you want to see how many twists you can get on
the knife? I mean, let's be honest, some people are nice, and some
people are not. To thine own self be true. When ending the relationship,
it's important to remember that the kid gloves have to come off. Now
is not the time to show mercy, and if you can't stomach it, you'd
better resign yourself to a long and unhappy marriage right now.
SPEAK SOFTLY &KIDNEY PUNCH 'EM
Getting Your Point Across
Like just about every aspect of a relationship, there are two ways
to go about getting your point across, and they're both wrong. Each
does have certain benefits, which are matched with certain drawbacks.
The slow, indirect method: Many people suggest that the best way to
break up with someone is to come straight out, honestly, and get it
over with. These poor, blind fools are undoubtedly the same faction
who, among the Aztecs, convinced everyone that the Spanish conquistadors
were benevolent gods. Let's get real. Before you plunge a hypodermic
needle into a tiger's rump do you tell it openly and honestly that
you're going to give it a shot for it's own good and that it will
probably hurt like hell? No! Smart people would tranquilize the tiger
first. That same philosophy should be applied to a relationship.
Keep them dangling. It's best to start behaving oddly long before
the breakup. Start disappearing on the weekends. Sleep at strange hours.
Visit home a lot. And, cry... all the time, for no reason. When you
finally do get around to dropping the ax, it's important to be as vague
as possible. If you can, break up with them and get back together two
or three times a week. What's really fun is to come up with all sorts
of crazy reasons why you're leaving them, then sit back and watch the
ensuing insanity as they try to "meet your expectations." [Video
footage of these sorts of antics sells for big bucks in France.] This
style of breakup also offers you your best chance of keeping your ex
as a friend, which is to say, dead zero.
The fast, hard method: If you can't wait, then don't. It doesn't
matter how things have been going. Even if you both just celebrated
Valentine's Day, you have to throw all of their stuff out the door
and set it on fire. To go through with a hard-core breakup, you'll
have to get yourself worked into a fury. Drink a lot of caffeine, overwork
and under sleep. Go through heroin withdrawal. For really effective
negative association, lock yourself in a room all day surrounded by
pictures of your lover and give yourself electroshock. You don't have
to worry about knowing when you''re ready, it'll all just come rushing
out of you.
This method has to be thorough, a scorched earth policy. Don't let
one thing remain that refers to your previous relationship. Smash any
gifts or joint purchases. Carpet-bomb your special places. Make your
friends sign oaths of loyalty. And the pets... don't even get me started
on what you have to do to the pets. Just remember, the fast, hard breakup
is harsh, but very effective.
HOW CAN I LEAVE YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Getting Rid of Your Persistent Past
After a break up, you should expect a certain degree of unavoidable
contact with your ex, seeing them in the tree outside your window, on
your answering machine every twenty minutes, stuffing you into the trunk
of their car. Honestly, some people just don't know when to give up.
There are many different "polite" ways to handle this problem,
all with a dubious success rate. Recently, however, I learned this surefire
trick to eliminate those pesky exes.
1 part acetone
1 part hydrogen peroxide (30 proof or greater)
1/10 part sulfur dioxide
Mix everything together (no heating required!). Let the mixture sit
for about two hours or until solid. Strain remaining moisture off through
a coffee filter. You will be left with a rocklike substance that crumble
easily. Chop into powder. Fill a thick lead or plastic pipe with a mixture
of the substance and some sort of loose, inert packing material. Cap
both ends with clay, with a fuse in one end. Light the fuse, drop the
pipe down the pants of Mr. or Mrs. "Yeah, Right" and run like
hell.
WILL YOU STILL HATE ME IN THE MORNING?
Sex and Break Ups
When a relationship ends, your romantic future is often left uncertain,
with several benefits being lost. Most notably, you will often find
that, after a breakup, you are no longer privy to the ready source of
physical intimacy to which you've become accustomed. The natural urge
then will be to derive it form the most immediate available source...
namely, your ex. They will generally agree to such an arrangement happily,
since they are usually going through the same rite of passage that you
are. The trick to this is to have sex without encouraging any attempts
at "patching things up."
Tricks like yelling out someone else's name at crucial moments, making
mundane phone calls and checking you stopwatch during intercourse help
to set the proper mood. I have found that forcing them to a wear paper
bag over their head and referring to them by a number instead of a name
works wonders to break their spirit. Phrases like, "Oh yes, #6554732!
That's perfect!" help to dehumanize them, draining their ego and
sense of self worth to the point that no attempts at reconciliation
are even considered. Also, never sleep over at their house, or let them
stay at yours. Sleep with them, then get them away from you.
CONCLUSION
On a final note, I'd like to say that the easiest way to deal with
a harsh breakup is to make damned sure that everyone around you is suffering
through an even more painful and drawn out end to their respective relationships,
hence this article. I would also like to say that I repaired my last VCR
by ripping out half of the mechanical components and stuffing a sock in
it.
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