By Dr. Jason Valentine
Columnist

If you have managed to be even semiconscious for any period of time since 1978, you have weathered a barrage of eat healthy at-tacks. You've been told about diets that focus on watching your caloric intake, eating celery, drinking excessive amounts of water, thrust-in your finger down your throat and dining in New Jersey. The new fad seems to be focus on eating no fat. Well, readers, we are here to set the record straight.

However, first we must undo all the hypnotraining you have received in the form of Jenny Craig and Baked Lays commercials. There are two acceptable methods to reverse the damage. The first is to watch several consecutive hours of Bullets Ultimate Burger commercials. However, the Bullets chain may not be advertised in your area. Luckily an alternate method has been developed.

Memorize the following mantra, Fat is good. Fat is good. Jenny Craig is wrong. Weight Watchers is a secret government organization set up to feed me starches that will be stored in my liver, thus making me a tasty morsel for the alien invaders.

Repeat this mantra with religious zeal in at least two of the following places:

• • a major airport
• • a World Cup match
• • an Overeaters Anonymous meeting

THE DIET PHASE
It has been noted that this method, while requiring a more active role on your part, is just as effective as the Bullets commercials. If, however, you can’t stick to the training regiment, buy a Greyhound ticket to a region broadcasting Bullets commercials.

Now that we have opened your mind to fat, it's time you learned how to diet properly. We've all read food labels at one time or another and discovered that the bacon chili cheeseburger microwave meal was a tad more fattening that we had expected. Under the old rules of dieting, we would promptly spit the food out of our mouths, eat some celery and cry in a corner. But, not anymore.

All nutritionists will tell you that approximately one third of your total caloric intake should come from fat. Fat has several important roles in your body a totally fat free diet isn't as healthy as those namby-pamby pinko-commie bastards at Lean Cuisine would have you believe. Since most of us eat three meals a day. And, since by the end of the day most of us consume more fat than we should, I propose that one meal each day be nothing but fat. This way, you can easily moderate your fat intake, matching the Recommended Daily Allowance and living guilt-free. The other two meals of the day will be no different, since you already were brainwashed into the "no fat" diet plan.

Since you have forgotten all about food with a high fat content. We offer some suggestions on where to start:

• • fatback
• • lard
• • grease
• • Bullets Ultimate Burger
• • microwaveable bacon chili cheeseburger
• • Chris Farley
• • donuts
• • any fried foods
  

This, of course, is a limited list and no list could possibly cover all high-fat foods. There are two easy tests to determine if a food has a high-fat content:

• • If it tastes good.
• • If you put it on a napkin, and it leaves a greasy spot.

Be sure to take in only your RDA of fat, and you will live a long, healthy life while watching those Linda McCartney-types die of cancer due to their fat-free, vegetarian diet.

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Read other stories from Dr. Jason Valentine.