By Michael B. Heaney
Creative Director

This month we're going to take a slight deviation off course and learn about something a little more practical than nude origami or programming your VCR. Oh, sure, I can hear you now 'But Mike, we wanted to learn how to sculpt post-modern butter statues'. Well, I'm going to teach you how to do something a hell of a lot more important than THAT! I'm going to teach you how to survive!

A lot of people talk about how hard it was in the old days, compared to these days, which just goes to show how little people these days know. Sure it may seem difficult growing your own food, fending off hostile natives, killing bears, skinning said bear, and the like, but trust me that's a picnic compared to what your average citizen has to go through today. I mean, just try to kill a bear these days, even for food, and protection groups will come crashing down on your head so hard you'll wish you were back wrestling that bear. And lord, try to explain to the judge it was just a good clean bear killing all in fun and see the sort of trouble you get into.

No, living in this day and age is no picnic, that's for sure, especially if you haven't got any money. Back then, you didn't have any money, you'd just go out and live in the woods and kill bear and the like to survive. These days, as I pointed out, it's very difficult to kill animals for food unless you have the time and money to raise them on a farm, and if you had that kind of money you wouldn't need to kill your own food in the first place. This mixed with the fact that the government is finding newer, trickier ways each day to take more money away from you, the average destitute individual in today's world has to display unprecedented cunning in order to survive.

If You're Hungry, Swallow Your Pride
Of course, as the newest member of the rugged band of toughs that is the modern survivor, your first course of action is to establish priorities. Top on this list, of course, is keeping yourself alive, or SURVIVING (there will be a test). First on that is getting yourself enough air. This is pretty simple to accomplish, since breathable air is abundant across much of the planet. A few simple rules; don't immerse yourself in water for long periods, don't tie cord around your neck, don't swallow plastic bags. Best of all, air's free. Have you got breathing down? If so, pat yourself on the back; you've overcome the single biggest obstacle to survival.

Flushed with confidence from your success, I can tell that you're eager to continue on to the next stage of becoming a professional bum, which is, of course, food. Here, I must warn you, is going to be a true test of character. Have you got any compunction against digging head first through the dumpsters behind the Taco Bell, stealing what other restaurant patrons leave from their tables, or rat pot pie ? If so, it's probably because you have some character, and that's going to get in your way.

You can get rid of your pride the hard way and wait until your on the verge of starvation, which is the slow and painful way of going about it, or we can pull out the knife and cut it out of there ! (Figuratively) The best way to go about doing this is to beg for change outside your local Republican Party Headquarters. You can also try to get dates at a laundry mat or go to monster truck shows. A few hours of this and not much will shake your now monumental sense of self worthlessness. So let's EAT.

Kill the Bear: Redefining food
You've probably gone through much of your life with a pretty tame idea of what's edible. Well, those days of wine and roses are over. The down and out don't eat at the Ritz (partly on principle but mostly because they keep getting thrown out.) You're going to find that as your opportunities to eat diminish, your attitudes towards what constitutes as food will expand dramatically.

First thing you'll get over is eating tainted food. You start by rationalizing that other people's dried spittle adds zest to an otherwise half eaten big Mac. Soon you'll come to realize that there isn't much lurking at the mouth of a gutter that isn't already swimming around in your system anyway. Eventually your eyes will light up in delight when you discover that pigeons do taste vaguely like chicken, if you put enough packets of Wendy's ketchup on them and your used to ketchup flavored chicken.

The first real trick to eating for free is rooting through dumpsters. Time consuming and distasteful, dumpster diving is nonetheless the basis of successful destitution, for while there are other methods that can have much better overall payoffs, in times of need you can always fall back to diving to get through the night. The real trick to this is to find places that are likely to have food in the dumpster. The obvious choices are restaurants and supermarkets. The best time to do this is just before the establishment closes, because on occasion some kind individual will see fit to give you real food. Avoid dumpster diving around locals that promise low pay off, such as low rent apartment complexes, paper mills, and chemical research facilities.

Another clever method to eating is to try to revert to your simpler roots and kill for food. In the city, rats, pigeons, and squirrels often flourish in abundance, and with a few spices and a clever hand, a simple squirrel can become a gourmet meal for one. In the country, I recommend tracking down a bear, killing it, and eating it. Of course, all that hype about bears being huge aggressive bloodthirsty monsters is just so much more Hollywood hype. Your average bear is every bit as scared of you as you are of him, which makes sense since you're out to kill him and eat him.

Of course, in the rough and tumble world of the homeless, many members have turned to cannibalism in order to survive as well as weed out the competition. As a beginner, I recommend devoting most of your energy towards not being eaten by your fellows, as opposed to trying your hand at human consumption yourself. Give that time, you'll know when your ready.

Living Rooms & Lockups: Living High Off of Others
The next step, of course, is finding some place to stay, but don't count on buying that ranch in Wyoming anytime soon. Right now you're sleeping on a park bench and you've just received an eviction notice, so you'd better start learning to exploit your fellow man quick.

The first thing you've got to realize is that despite the fact that everyone else has more than you do, contributes more to society, is kinder to people, lives longer, etc., etc., you are nonetheless better than they are. More than that, you're MUCH better than they can ever hope to be, the bunch of hypocritical assholes. The reason you need to view the world in these terms is that it's hard to exploit anyone you respect, so it's best to get into practice not respecting anyone.

Of course, your first run will be to bum money from passerby's on the street. Not so lucrative, it's like dumpster diving, a staple of living on nothing. Use the money to buy heroine, since people who sell heroine don't mind if you pass out on their floor. You can become a virtual live in roommate to a heroine dealer as long as you keep buying. A clever trick is to buy the heroine, pretend to take it, pass out on the floor, and then pawn the hit off on the streets later, and pocket the cash. The problem is that heroine costs a lot of money, and unfortunately you're not always going to make that much money off the kindness of strangers, which is, of course, why you hit them on the head and take it instead.

Another clever trick is to latch yourself to some group of 'bohemian' college sophomores. These people often live under the delusion that there's some nobility to starving on the streets and will gladly befriend any nitwit who says vague and undefinable things and pretends to like the music they listen to and the drivel they write. Take it slow. Don't rush into things. At first just buddy around with them on the streets. Get them to buy you drinks. Introduce them to other bums like your part of the last 'scene'. Eventually they'll let you into their home and then you've got them. Eat as much as you can while you're there, because it's only a matter of time before the ungrateful little punks turn on you and throw you out.

As a last resort, get arrested. In jail they house you and feed you, and the best part is that it's at the average tax payer's expense! That's a thought that will keep you warm even during the worst gang riots.

The Best Things in Life: Fun for Free
Of course, no man is complete without refuge from the monotony of mere survival. You need entertainment and insight. But wait, *gasp*, you have no money! This could present a real problem, since all the old forms of entertainment you've been used to, movies, concerts, opium baths, are now closed to you. Well, FEAR NOT, for among the impoverished fun takes on whole new meanings.

The homeless and hopeless learn to enjoy the world around them, take things as they come, and make fun when none presents itself. My personal favorite pastime is hunting bear, a cunning and elusive animal with jaws that can rip the tires off of a moving semi, and often do, but I'm not suggesting that this is the only way to keep yourself entertained. Time tried activities like carrying doomsday signs, drooling in front of day care centers, and urinating in public have kept bums going for ages, and undoubtedly will for years to come.

A favorite game among the homeless is pig tag. To do this you'll need to find some cheap alcohol in a glass bottle. Drink most of the alcohol, until your good and ready to play. Then wander around the streets until you are confronted by a person in a blue uniform. This is the 'pig', the objective is to tag him. Yell 'pig tag' at the top of your lungs and hit him with the bottle. Then run like blazes.

Of course, only a fool would suppose that true urban survivors lack any form of artistic spirit or means of self expression. The problem is that, while saturated in the need to create art, your average hobo generally lacks medium with which to work. As a result, these clever patrons of beauty have turned to the only source of expression they have left, themselves.

Streaking is a time honored tradition of epic proportions that has its masters and its hacks, its Harrison Fords and Micky Rourkes. An art of speed and grace, streaking requires years of practice and a strong sense of public distaste. Streaking can carry any message, from a political theme to a religious motif, or even a simple statement that you like to scare the piss out of innocent old ladies.

You're limited only by your imagination and your worst time for the half mile. Consider streaking the ultimate performance art, and don't be afraid to get into the role completely. Also, some idiot might give you some half decent clothes.

Wealth of the Spirit: Thoughts on Destitution
There are plenty of people throughout history who have been tagged great thinkers who lay claim to the idea that there is something majestic and noble about having no money at all and living on the streets. Does this mean that they're complete idiots and that their public label is unfounded? No necessarily. More likely it means that they've been homeless themselves, and know all about it. Why then, would they tout the notion of being homeless as enriching or desirable? The answer is simple, they are part of what is known as the big revenge. Anyone who's been poor knows that the only benefit you reap from being poor is how much you appreciate not being poor anymore when you get some money. However, one thing you definitely will gain from your time without wealth is a deep loathing of everyone who is better off than you are. This mentality is the cornerstone of impoverished philosophy; the taint that is the well off and the methods by which we gain our revenge upon them. The best way to do this is to spread the word about how incredibly cool and enriching being destitute is. Through this method, we hope to force more of those wealthy bastards into giving away their wealth and traveling in boxcars.

Of course, just because you recognize the financially secure as the scourge of humanity doesn't mean you shouldn't strive to join their ranks.

The only goal of the down and out is to get rich. Just don't forget your roots; follow in the footsteps of the great minds, and take as many of them down as you can on your way up.

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