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Mark Burlet serves as TRAVEL+SATIRE Editor for the Pasquinade.
Read other stories from this author. | By Mark Burlet
TRAVEL+SATIRE Editor
We all know that the summer is the best time for travel. Families hit
the beaches and theme parks of America, looking to relieve the stress
of a long, sedentary winter. The roads and airports become littered with
the middle and upper class as they venture forth. And there is no shortage
of crowds at the filling stations, fighting for a chance to swell the
Saudi family coffers. But what about the throngs of homeless people in
this country? The hard-working, pan-handling street folk that make this
nation great? Many of them are left to wander the same old alleys and
trash bins they see every day. How can these poor, forgotten, former members
of society find their way to fresh new locales for a brief respite from
the hum-drum of life on the street? Well, that's what we here at the Pasquinade
have been asking ourselves for years. Now, with this handy guide, the
bums and hobos of America can join in the great tradition of… the summer
vacation.
Rail Travel
This seems to be a lost art in the new, urban America. The classic image
of boxcar hobos with their belongings on a stick has faded as trains have
gotten faster and security tighter. However, this does not mean the opportunity
doesn't still exist. With a little imagination and a lot of patience,
the homeless traveler can hitch a ride on the backbone of our nation and
find his way to a new haunt. First, you will need to stay away from the
train yards. This is where they expect you to hop on, so security will
be tight and merciless… especially in the wake of 9/11 and the Madrid
train bombings. So go ahead and follow the tracks to the edge of town.
The best places for train-hopping are still the industrial outskirts of
large cities. Here, the train will have to slow down for railroad crossings
and noise regulations. With a minimum of effort and risk, you can find
a spot aboard a rail car headed for who knows where! The excitement of
not knowing your destination is a wonderfully liberating experience for
the bum who's grown accustomed to his little cardboard box in the alley.
Get out there and experience the freedom this country promises!
Just
add water
Once a mainstay of frontier culture, the river raft has since gone the
way of the dinosaur. Immortalized in "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,"
this simple method of transportation crept its way into the imagination
of rich and poor alike. And while it might not be an option for those
without access to a river, it still remains a cheap and viable alternative
for the wayward wanderer. You don't need carpentry skills or knowledge
of river navigation, either! While these would obviously help, the average,
ignorant guttersnipe can still gain his independence on the wide waters
of the American landscape. All you need is a simple wooden palette and
a long stick. Make sure the palette floats, and can hold your weight,
then meander downstream, using the stick to push off the shore, sandbars,
and other river traffic (barges, tugboats, alligators, etc.). Soon you'll
be drifting your way towards the vacation paradise of your dreams! Remember
one thing though… always pull off to the side at night and catch some
"z"s in the nearest deserted shack. You want to stay awake and alert when
on the river. And avail yourself of the fresh water to take a quick bath.
You'll arrive at your destination looking and smelling your best. This
will put you heads and shoulders above the hometown bums in vying for
the spare change of the common folk… And who knows? You may even find
yourself a new home… or alleyway, since you are still homeless and all.
Hitchin': Two thumbs
up
Finally, here is the toughest and yet most rewarding travel opportunity
for the hobo on the gogo… hitchhiking! Finding a lonely truck driver or
a traveling salesman with a little extra room can make for a long and
exciting journey. But you can't just wander out from the city sewers and
into someone's vehicle. There's a little preparation you can do to improve
your chances of catching a ride in the freedom-mobile. First, you need
to save. And I mean, big-time! Every penny you get, put away in your socks…
and keep the dollar bills in your tightly-whiteys. Once you have enough
money, buy a pair of scissors to cut your hair and trim your beard. You'll
need to look your best to attract the right driver. Second, scour the
trash bins behind the mall and the Salvation Army centers for some new
(to you) clothes, and a small travel bag. Not that you have anything to
bring with you, but a well-dressed, freshly groomed traveler with a suitcase
couldn't possibly be homeless, now could he? And that will make all the
difference in whether you spend the next 12 hours walking and cursing…
or cruising down the highway with a new friend in air-conditioned comfort.
Soon, you'll be pan-handling in a brand new city with a fresh outlook
on life that'll have all the other beggars green with envy!
So, there you have it… three ways for the restless vagrant to travel
in this busy vacation season. And while we know that only a few of the
homeless have the internet access required to view this site, we appeal
to you, our gentle readers, to do your part in helping spread the word.
Go ahead and print out a copy of this document and present it to your
favorite transient or bag lady. And, assuming they can read, they will
possess all the knowledge necessary to join in the favorite American summer
pastime of relaxing, recreational rambling. It's the least we can do to
repay them for their service in our country's wars.
God bless America!
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