By Michael B. Heaney
Creative Director

Pasquinade Creative Director, Michael B. Heaney, is a well-known raconteur and statesman. Recently, his love of this country and concern for its future has propelled him into politics. His newly formed party, the Fun Party, seeks to reinvigorate presidential politics. Below is a position statement taken from his web site.

My fellow Americans,

Today it's time to take a serious look at my competition. I can't tell you all the number of times I've stated my positions and, no matter how solid they may seem, someone will stand up and ask, "But why not vote for Nader?"

So here at the Fun Party, we thought it would be… well… fun if we "got everyone together," so to speak, and reviewed their various flaws and merits (if any). After all, if you're considering voting for a candidate other than your honest and humble Fun Party servant, you at least deserve to know exactly whom you'll be electing, don't you think? Of course you do.

The Grand Old Party... AKA Republicans
The GOP candidate, George W. Bush, is the standing president, and his policies and practices are infamous. He is arguably the candidate I need to do the least explaining about, but in case you're under any doubts as to whether you should vote for him or not, allow me to clarify. Read a little history, and take note of those leaders most commonly depicted as insane, villainous, power mad, corrupt, etc. Read some social fiction, and likewise pay close attention to those characters portrayed as terrible and/or evil politicians. It strikes me as odd that anyone could seriously consider electing a man who conforms almost absolutely to these stereotypes. He's a mad, loony villain borne of George Orwell's absinthe nightmares, a dystopian overlord beyond conventional mockery, and you want to elect him for a second term? You aren't even telling a convincing lie.

Michael B. Heaney. He's no evil Sith lord.

The Democratic National Party
After a fairly long list of hopefuls tried and failed to win the hearts of America, John Kerry has walked away with the strongest support from the Democrats. His popular support has grown rapidly since then under the clever and well timed "I'm not Bush" platform. The trouble is that, like so many politicians, his record for honesty remains somewhat dubious. On the campaign trail, politicians make a lot of promises that they fail to fulfill later on. Can Kerry demonstrate to us clearly that he isn't actually George W. Bush wearing a latex mask?

Now, I see eye to eye with Kerry on the whole "I'm not Bush" issue. It's crucial for the nation that the next presidential candidate be able to avoid being George W. Bush in any way, shape or form. Friends, I can make that promise, and with my record, you know I'll be able to keep it.

Michael B. Heaney. Less Bush than any other candidate.

The Green Party
I actually attended a Green rally and hobnobbed with some of these folks. They aren't united behind any single candidate. The only two big names supporting them, Nader and Jello, have both bailed on the party, they have strong ties with foreigners and they were most proud of their "Don't Really Vote For Us" initiative, by which you could vote for a Green candidate and still actually vote for a Democrat. Friends, I once watched a headless chicken take over ten minutes to finally figure out it was dead. This conversation was, therefore, eerily familiar.

Michael B. Heaney. A hope in hell.

The Libertarian Party
Although some are unwilling to admit it, Michael Badnarik is the clear voice of the libertarian party in 2004. Like most libertarians, Badnarik is embroiled in obvious contradiction. He's a big fan of unrestricted gun ownership, but also a firm believer in the Libertarian "Zero Aggression" policy. Essentially, he wants to arm everyone to the teeth and then merely hope that the obvious pros of the Zero Aggression philosophy will help keep them from using them. Last I heard, this social path had already been embraced. Wasn't it called anarchy?

Like most libertarians, Badnarik is really just an anarchist who's too pussy to admit it. Face it, the last thing we need is some zealous, idealistic coward whose idea on how to run a great society is to give everyone all the means of killing each other and then sit back to see if they will or not.

Michael B. Heaney. He's not a complete fucking retard.

The Natural Law Party
The NLP is promoting Congressman Dennis Kucinich now that he's failed to grab the DNP nomination, and the platform on his website reads like a child's primer to left wing politics. Strong on what, weak on how, you might suppose to hear this conversation during an interview with any NLP candidate.

Q: So, what direction do you feel the nation should be taking?

A: Well, we envision an America in which every citizen is well educated, fed, cared for and showered in gold every day of their extremely long and risk free lives.

Q: I see, and how do you propose going about accomplishing this?"

A: ...hugs?

Friends, as your candidate, I'll tell you now that I will never propose an end that I can't provide the means for.

Michael B. Heaney. He provides what he promises.

The Prohibition Party
Gene Amondson, whose website spends more time dealing with his woodcarving than his bid for the presidency, represents the Prohibition Party. The Prohibition Party is a party whose soul platform seems to be anti-alcohol. He includes a list of fun and important facts to this end. According to the Prohibition Party:

1. During Prohibition, prisons and mental institutions emptied. Apparently all of the criminals were far too busy smuggling Canadian liquor and blowing people up to bother spending time incarcerated. Friends, I don't know what drugs Amondson has been ingesting (apparently not alcohol,) but since the introduction of prisons to the United States, they have never emptied.
2. Prohibition was the last time America balanced the budget. Admondson obviously forgets that Clinton balanced the budget just a few years ago, but being old and religious, we forgive him this sort of ignorance/dishonesty. Still, the relationship between alcohol and the federal budget is clearly demonstrated. Only two things can hope to balance a national budget, everyone not drinking or one man committing adultery. Friends, as your president, I will take it upon myself to commit adultery so that we, as a nation, may enjoy both hard liquor and a balanced budget.

Michael B. Heaney. Screwing women he's not married to so you can drink.

The Reform Party
I thought these tossers were out after the GOP sent Pat Buchanan to destroy them (Kudos, Pat!), but apparently they're still around and claiming candidates like John Buchanan and Ralph Nader. In fact, I've seen Ralph Nader appear as a candidate for more than a few parties. I think that Ralph may not be taking this year's election very seriously.

Michael B. Heaney. Well, actually, he doesn't take this year's election that seriously, either. What are ya gonna do?

The Socialist Party
Walt Brown, the Socialists' candidate for 2004, believes in the middle and lower classes casting off the shackles of their oppressors. A classic socialist, the only thing he's missing is a group of armed guerillas in the hills. Brown's failing is his inability to understand that people are oppressed by rulers because they want to be. Giving up the ruling class means taking responsibility, and most people don't want that level of responsibility. I understand the American people, and I understand that they elect a leader to take responsibility for them, to ensure that they're fed, housed and entertained within a reasonable limit, and that's a fair trade.

The Fun Party is all about having fun, and you can't have fun if you have to be bothered with actively concentrating on the progress of society. We'll take on the burden of running the nation, and you all get to have fun, and I can assure you that the rate of people unfairly killed or imprisoned will not increase more than 2% over the 1990-2000 average. Socialism is for impoverished foreigners, not wealthy and sensible Americans. If only Brown could understand this.

Michael B. Heaney. Oppression the way YOU want it.

Other Socialist Factions
The Socialist Equality and Socialist Workers parties (Bill Van Auken and Martin Koppel are their candidates respectively) are variations of the Socialist Party who both claim to represent the interests of all the oppressed workers of the US who, oddly, seem to feel no kinship with these parties at all. Maybe there's a lesson here, namely that if people don't feel oppressed, then they probably aren't.

Michael B. Heaney. Oh, you'll FEEL oppressed, you scum.

America's Party
www.joebellis.com
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Michael B. Heaney. If he's making you laugh, it's probably on purpose.

Friends, what we see here is a host of daydreamers, washed up Randians and psychotics with agendas. I have only one agenda, and that's turning the next presidential term into a four year long party. I remember the old tales of bread and circuses, and I always wondered why that was considered such a bad idea.

Thanks for your time, friends. I'm glad we had this talk, and I really think we both understand a bit more about THE ENEMY. Until tomorrow, goodnight and god bless.

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