By Beatrice Nunley
Contributing Editor The following is an uncut transcription of a phone conversation between Pasquinade correspondent, Beatrice Nunley, and Fed Chairman, Alan Greenspan. As per a legal injunction against Ms. Nunley,* this piece merely transcribes statements made over a public phone; it in no way constitutes print, radio or television journalism. At the request of Mr. Greenspan we must inform you that this is not an interview. The text was obtained from a recording made in Puerto Rico. (Linda Tripp take note.) The opinions of Ms. Nunley do not represent those of the Pasquinade or any of its advertisers.
AG: Hello, this is Alan Greenspan.
BN: [singing] He''s got the whole world in his hands....
AG: Pardon me?
BN: How''s it feel to be the Emperor of the Western Hemisphere, Alan?
AG: Look if your some kind of Anti-WTO nutcase, I have a bubble bath to return to.
BN: Alan, has the "new economy" deluded your senses? This is your favorite geriatric, Beatrice Nunley.
AG: I thought you were still handcuffed in Teheran.
BN: You know those flea-ridden goat fuckers couldn''t hold me for long. I escaped by offering one of them a naked picture of Mike Wallace.
AG: Bea, I don''t think they call it escaping if you break in.
BN: Journalism isn''t for pussies, Alan.
AG: Touché.
BN: So Alan, how many boards are you sitting on these days? Alcoa, J.P. Morgan... Christ your say you''re afraid of rising oil prices and you sit on Mobil''s board.
AG: those positions are more show than substance. I don''t make policy. I merely eat snacks and get invited out on the Washington night life.
BN: and fill your pocketbook.
AG: If I wanted to make money, I''d invest on my own advise. It''s the academic thrill that drives me these days. That and my dedication to public service.
BN: So, that explains why the gap between rich and poor is larger than the one you filled between Barbara Walter''s legs?
AG: Look in any transitional economic period there are going to be certain people who get left behind (pause)... and leave poor Barbara out of this.
BN: So, you''ll fix the poverty problem with old Reganomics? The woman who does my laundry is still pretty pissed about those welfare "reforms" you brought about in the 80s.
AG: Exactly why are you calling Bea?
BN: I''ve just got a bone to pick with all you modern demagogues. You can''t just go shuffling your skinny little jazz ass around Washington, shifting the future''s of millions of people by getting a cold, and think you can''t escape my wrath.
AG: This is some sort of interview isn''t it? You''ve found some way around the restraining order and have decided to enact your revenge on Andrea and me for some bizarre perceived slight...
BN: Alan, you know me too well. Just remember if this is for print journalism you''ll just sue me and you''ll not only keep it out of print but you''ll force me to send my beloved cat, Rommel, out on the street.
AG: Rommel''s still alive?
BN: No, but who has time to name a cat?
AG: Seriously Bea, I must get back to my bubbles.
BN: So, you''re saying that you''re standing on the phone in nothing but a towel you sexy little dwarf?
AG: Well technically yes.
BN: So, do you want to know what I''m wearing, master Yoda?
(At this point the tape ends)
*February 17, 1976, Mike Wallace and the producers of the television show, "60 Minutes" filed a libel suit against Beatrice Nunley. Due to a superior court decision, Ms. Nunley is prohibited from participating in any print, radio and/or television journalism.
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