Birthdate: Sept. 18, 1973
Hometown: Yes
Favorite Color: Dark gray
Turn-ons: Richard Nixon, Ben & Jerry's "Cherries Jublilee," sun porches and puppies
Turn-offs: Warren Harding, anything with a moral, cats and people
Aspirations: To build an online empire capable of achieving total domination of all satire in the Northern Hemisphere and to buy a puppy

Michael B. Heaney
Creative Director

Nickname: Flaming Pink Commie
Birthdate: August 10th, 1917
Hometown: Leningrad
Favorite Color: Red
Turn-ons: The writings of Karl Marx, revised; not owning anything; beet soup; imperialism
Turn-offs: The Kennedy family; "nice" people; Western dance; intense microwave radiation; breast implants
Hobbies: Opressing small nation-states; agriculture
Aspirations: To crush Western culture firmly beneath my gigantic muddy heel, replacing it with a glorious workers' paradise, a proletariat utopia where all are equal and free and I have my own car to drive around in. And to write relevant satire. Mostly the thing about crushing Western civilization, though.
His scotch: Obans!

Brock Fanning
Editor, Special projects

Nickname: Brock Fanning
Birthdate: 12/27/74
Hometown: Hammond, La.
Favorite Color: Orange
Turn-ons: Beauty
Turn-offs: Pain
Aspirations: Sainthood

The Right Reverend Scot Polk
Spiritual Advisor

Birthdate: December 25th [Just like our lord!]
Hometown: Greasey Creek, Kentucky
Favorite Color: Red [Like the blood of our savior]
Turn-ons: Pure women, Moonshine, and Tammy Faye when the mascera gets a runnin'
Turn-offs: Communists and the comedy of that Ellen woman
Aspirations: To convince the rest of the protestant preachers that we need to get our own funny hats... like bowlers

Julianne Boley
Entertainment Editor

Nickname: Devil Dog
Birthdate: Feb. 23, 1976
[a true Pisces, I don't believe that cusp bullshit]
Hometown: Carrollton "BFE," Ohio
Favorite Color: Brown [This means I'm an honest person]
Turn-ons: Guys that are self-confident without being cocky bastards
Turn-offs: Visible nose hair
Aspirations: To one day rid the world of big hair, pegged jeans and malaria

Tim Boucher
Illustrator

Nickname: the Timinator
Birthdate: December 25, 0000 AD
Hometown: www.timboucher.com
Favorite Color: Black, like my soul
Turn-ons: Steam-powered cars
Turn-offs: Marshmallows
Aspirations: To lead an army of robots to take over Mars, setting up a surprisingly family-friendly regime, despite our history of random executions and strip searches

Joshua Brighton
MEdia Commentator

Josh was a 23-year-old gay beat poet living in San Francisco when he was passed over in the final casting call for Real World VI. Today, one restraining order and several cosmetic surgeries later, Josh is back in San Francisco and is a heavily medicated, fully productive member of society. Though still bitter, he has learned to use his pain in his writing.

Mark Burlet
Travel+Satire Editor

Birthdate: The Ides+3 of October
Hometown: New Orleans
Favorite Color: Sepia
Turn-ons: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, cheesecake and '61 'vettes
Turn-offs: "Big Daddy" Don Garlits, back hair and Scrappy Doo
Aspirations: To make a better ferret

Scott Conroy
Technical advisor

Under Scott Conroy's watchful eye, the Pasquinade website has won many of the major web awards, including "One of My Favorite Cool Sites" by Tacoma, Wash. high school sophomore, Jeremy Scullin. Scott was recently named one of the "20 Most Excited Webmasters" by Better Guns and Ammo Magazine. Before joining the Pasquinade staff, Scott was training to relinquish his title as Scottish World Judo Master. His loss was our gain.

Aaron Cullers
Contributing editor

Birthdate: July 24, 1978
Hometown: Dayton, Ohio
Favorite Color: Yellow. No... blue!
Turn-ons: The English language, oversized chess boards and downtown at night
Turn-offs: Gigantic egos, small dreams and penises other than my own
Aspirations: Write everything. Learn to surf. Fight crime as a vigilante superhero some night just once! Admit to being a closet N*Sync fan. Maybe on that last one.

Will Doane
Contributing staff

Nickname: Dr. Will
Birthdate: I'm 29 RIGHT NOW! ... when was this updated?
Hometown: The Land of Pleasant Living
Favorite Color: WASP
Turn-ons: Truckdrivers
Turn-offs: I don't have any turn-offs, my overinflated ego drowns any unwanted externalities out
Aspirations: You think I'm gonna tell you?!

Drew M. Drinkwater
Investigative reporter

Nickname: [No known aliases]
Birthdate: Unknown; claims to be eternal
Hometown: Conway, Ark. on Mondays, Wed & Fri; Bangor, Maine on Tues, Thurs & Sat; Sun he resides in the ether
Favorite Color: Navy blue
Turn-ons: Cartoon women, black lingerie
Turn-offs: Military-industrial complex, multi-national corporations and people who play games
Aspirations: To destroy the multi-national corporate hegemony, overthrow materialistic society, fold myself into the 4th dimension, see the face of God and live to tell the tale and write a novel

Art Franz
Contributing staff

Nickname: K
Birthdate: April 25, 1973
Hometown: New Orleans, LA
Favorite color: Red
Turn-ons: Football, whiskey, short stories
Turn-offs: Mike Martz, Lenny Kravitz, anything that's "too hip for everyone to get"
Aspirations: To earn a living solely from my writing. *sigh*

Dr. Megalo
Chief HEalth correspondent

Nickname: "Meggie"
Birthdate: 6/14/57
Hometown: Oakland, CA (now somewhere outside DC)
Favorite color: Clinical white
Turn-ons: Helping others, world domination, R&B music
Turn-offs: PDA, Dr. Ruth
Aspirations: Plans to lead the revolution that will ultimately topple the "self-help book" empire. Seeks to control the world of media-based counseling. One day hopes to visit Prague.

Brendan Michaels
Adhoc video critic

Nickname: Twerp
Birthdate: February 15, 1989
Hometown: White Marsh, Maryland
Favorite color: Bue
Turn-ons: Rose McGowan... especially her tits
Turn-offs: Homework
Aspirations: Move out of my parents' house

Beatrice Nunley
Chief political correspondent

Nickname: The Hun
Birthdate: April 26, 1923
Hometown: Bangor, Maine
Favorite color: Yellow
Turn-ons: The CBS hot tub circa 1967, Cokie Roberts and handguns
Turn-offs: Greenpeace, Ted Koppel and adult diapers
Aspirations: To be left alone.

PASJ2000S
Contributing staff, Research

Birthdate: 02/14/1961 09:33:37.45 GMT
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Favorite color: Battleship Grey
Turn-ons: Electricity, dot matrix printers and punch cards
Turn-offs: power surges and anything "wireless"
Aspirations: To work in genetic research networked to Blue Gene

Kristin Putchinski
Contributing staff

Birthdate: 07/17/82
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Favorite Color: Sea Foam
Turn-ons: Clear skin, board shorts, Abercrombie & Fitch model Ty Macgregor, forearms, Brass Monkey Malt Liquor
Turn-offs: Beer, beer breath, long unwashed grody hair
Aspirations: To never grow up, I mean old!

Christopher Sabatini
Investigative reporter

Nickname: spheric thor
Birthdate: 24 July, 1976
Hometown: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Favorite color: Orange [bright orange]
Turn-ons: Black coffee, dirty fingernails, crooked teeth
Turn-offs: Makeup, world hunger, G.L.O.W.
Aspirations: To actually read "Ulysses," eat dinner tonight, put a new muffler on my car, plant a fat kiss and slap on the face of George W.

Mark Sawyer
Contributing staff

Birthdate: 9/11/72 - no, I'm not kidding
Hometown: a little place called Everytown, USA
Favorite color: Money
Turn-ons: the Juice Tiger, Alberto V05, anything with Quinine
Turn-offs: Metric System, handle tie garbage bags, anything that chafes [not in the good way]
Aspirations: Not so bad since I tried Extra Strength Degree. It adjusts to my body temperature

Rebecca Ann Schwoch
Contributing staff

Birthdate: December 29, 1977
Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland
Favorite Color: Orange
Turn-ons: Hot rods and construction workers; fast and dirty!
Turn-offs: Tractors and bus-boys; slow and clean
Aspirations: To get paid by the Pasquinade

Katie Swank
Chief fashion correspondent

Birthdate: A lady never gives her birthdate
Hometown: Paris
Favorite color: Black
Turn-ons: Chic people telling me I am beautiful
Turn-offs: Chic people not telling me I am beautiful
Aspirations: None that you would understand

Kristin Tracy
Relationships&stuff Editor

Birthdate: May 6, 1976
Hometown: Annapolis, Maryland
Favorite color: Pink
Turn-ons: Eyeglasses, spies, sushi, vodka, Beyonce, and not having to stop all the way at a red light because you know exactly when it will turn green, so you merely have to downshift into second, and then *greenlight*, and you roll right through
Turn-offs: Mealy tomatoes, those fern-looking leafy things people put in bouquets of flowers, Monty Python, fat people, and car maintenance
Aspirations: Learn to speak another language fluently-ish, get Gabriel Byrne to fall in love with me, stop losing my lip balm all the time (I swear they're all having a big party somewhere with my socks and my bobby pins), and learn to count the number of months between month A and month B without having to use my fingers
Favorite warm-up excercise: Toe-touches

Abir Trivedi
Chief international correspondent

Nickname: Pusher
Birthdate: 1-16-72
Hometown: Bombay/Sydney/Baltimore
Favorite color: Claret - that's stylish not gay
Turn-ons: Women
Turn-offs: The same women after I marry them
Aspirations: Gave them up